Release Date:	November 19, 2006
	Platform:	Nintendo Wii
	Genre:	First-Person Shooter
	Developer:	Ubisoft Paris
	Publisher:	Ubisoft
	MSRB Rating:	T (Teen)
	Price:	$50.00

A while back after Mr. Iwata reveled the Wii controller there was a long dry period without any news or information on Wii games. Then as if Jesus himself came down to write the article; Game Informer magazine printed the first exclusive information and screen shots of a game called Red Steel. It felt like you've been watching porn with your arms tied behind your back for months straight and finally, they were unbound; seconds of pleasure. "A first person shooter for Wii!?", "You can swing the controller like a sword!?", "An exciting story set in the Japanese underground!?” It was the first time any of us have ever heard anything about a Wii game and it was fabulous. It all seemed too good to be true and it definitely was.

Now I've played through a good portion of the first 10 minutes of the game and I can safely say I will never go back. This means two things. One, the game sucks REALLY hard. Two, I'm going to make a lot of shit up. I picked up Red Steel on Wii launch day thinking to myself, "The chick on the back of the box is hot; I should buy this." Everything was running smoothly until about 3 days later when I decided to stop playing Wii Sports for a bit. Upon opening the Red Steel box, the aroma of disappointment filled the air, the plants began to wither and my little brother started crying (he's 19). My Wii willingly accepted the disc; unaware of the terror Ubisoft planned to unleash upon it.

The game kicks things off with a visual kick in the face. Beginning menu screens are filled with scattered neon icons that contain no English lettering or recognizable characters. I’m assuming most everyone that bought this game couldn’t get past this part (or didn’t want to). I don’t know what to tell you. I was able to start up the single player campaign by closing my eyes and shaking the Wiimote at the screen.

When the campaign started up I had to double check my receipt to be sure I bought a Wii game and not a giant sack of bullshit. Turns out I bought the sack of shit. I don't know why Ubisoft decided to waste a perfectly good DVD when they could have easily stored this game on a floppy, or a post-it. With the time I spent on the game I think I counted about 4 polygons total. Beyond that however is the most annoying graphical issue in the game; if you can even call it that. I don't know what kind of triple jointed freaks work at Ubisoft but when you "aim" your weapon to the right side of the screen your character bends his wrist in the most awkward, uncomfortable and painful way I've ever seen. No human would willingly manipulate themselves in this fashion and it’s downright disgusting to have to look at.

Originally I wasn’t going to write about sound because the music is about as boring as it gets; but then I heard something I’ll never be able to forget. No matter whom you choose to play as in multiplayer, man or women; your character will let out deep manly grunts when being shot at. It’s awesome and hilarious. I only wish women in real life sounded exactly like men. It would be the end of phone sex as we know it. Hell, for a lot of people it might be the end of real sex too which rules because it means more for me.

The concept behind the game play is pretty cool. In theory, you can use both a gun and a sword to fight your way through the game. In reality, the game HAS a gun and a sword that you can TRY to use. Like a hot chick that wants it in the rear, Ubisoft managed to take a really awesome thing and turn it into a total disaster. I’m talking of course about the Wiimote.

Apparently when fine tuning the motion sensitivity for gun control they didn’t realize that some people who play the game might not be unconscious. You can’t even breathe near the Wiimote without your aiming reticule flying to the wrong side of the screen. I made the mistake of actually touching the controller, because the ridicule flew to the right side of my screen so hard it burst right through my television and the picture started pouring out all over my carpet. Instead of trying to clean that shit up I just burned the house down and bought a new one. The sword combat isn’t much better. I've never seen a piece of software respond so slowly and so incorrectly to input. When the first sword battle comes up, don't get excited. Bring some homework or a sandwich so you have something to do while the game reads in your swing.

Verdict: Hot chick on the back of the box.

In fairness, Red Steel was an ambitious game for the time and Ubisoft should have started on something a little less complicated until they became accustomed to the Wii hardware. That doesn’t excuse the obvious lack of effort though. They rushed the game development so they could make it as a Wii launch title and it shows. I’d tell you not to buy this game but there’s a good chance you already did. On the upside though, other FPS games like Metroid Prime 3 will automatically look better by comparison. If that doesn’t do it for you then think about it this way; being $50 poorer is like being NEGATIVE $50 more rich. Go out and spend that extra cash!